I never thought this day would come. I have often said I will be a
lifelong stoner. Smoke until I die..... Maybe not so much. I am beginning to
reevaluate this decision. Before I begin explaining the why's I could probably share a little
history with you all.
I am a 27 yr old female, from Mississauga,
Ontario, the youngest of 4 girls. I was a chubby little kid who was
relentlessly bullied for being "fat." When I was very young (too
young to remember) I lost a niece to a very rare disease. This resulted in
years of suffering on my mother and sisters behalf. They battled depression
long and hard. When I was 12 I lost another niece. This death was different for
me because I was there with her, living with her, and felt like I was doing a
part in raising this child. Her death left me pretty fucked up for a while.
Then there was my sister who battled a pretty severe drug addiction which
nearly killed her. These are just a few of many unfortunate life experiences
that left me feeling unhinged and broken. I began coming into my own during my
later high school years. This was when I discovered weed. All of a sudden I had
more friends than I knew what to do with. I had something to use to escape when
I was feeling stressed or overwhelmed. It was something to do that could make
me laugh for hours on end. It was the best of times.... The good times came...
and went... but the weed stayed.
Here is am, 27 years old, and I have been
a heavy pot smoker for 10 years now, give or take. The thing that's changed
though is I am no longer smoking to have a fun night out. I no longer do it
just on weekends. I no longer smoke just at parties. I smoke each and every
single day. Not to get high, because that beginners high is ever so elusive. I
do it because of habit. I feel as though I can't live without it. I smoke when
I am stressed, happy, sad, and angry, you name it.
WHY DOES IT MATTER?
There are several main reasons why I've
been thinking it’s time to quit:
::::MUNCHIES::::
OH THE MUNCHIES. I could come home, have a
very healthy dinner, smoke a few bowls and BAM it’s like I have hallowed legs.
I could eat and eat and eat. This would be one thing if it wasn't fueling what
I suspect could be considered an eating disorder. I am overweight and want
desperately to be and FEEL healthy. This eating is never going to let me
accomplish that goal.
::::FAMILY::::
Much of my family has recently moved out
of town. My entire immediate family has always lived within 5km of each other.
Them now being more than an hour away is an adjustment. I am getting used to
not seeing them so much, but it makes me realize that I need to value and
savour the little time I do spend with them. It brings me back to last
Thanksgiving. We were to head to my parents place for 2:00pm. At 11:00am I meet
up with my niece (also a heavy pot smoker) and hit poppers for a few hours
before heading to my parents place. We get there a little after 2:30. We eat,
and then I burned out. I was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open. I fell
asleep on the couch for an hour or so, woke at around 5:00pm to my sister and
niece asking if I could drive them home, that they would smoke me. Done and
done. We took off to go smoke some more poppers so that I could head home later
and crash like no one had ever crashed before. What a waste of fucking time.
Reflecting on this makes me realize what a waste of space I have become when
I'm stoned. This was not the first time something like that happened. It has
become all to frequent. I can't maintain healthy relationships in that sort of
state.
:::FINANCIALS:::
I recently moved into a condo with my
boyfriend. It's great! We love home ownership! The problem is I am always
strapped for cash. He enjoys sports leagues and nights out with his friends. It
seems like all of my variable income is simply feeding my habit. It costs a
fucking fortune to support a habit like this. That's without taking into
account the extra money spent on gas to reach my dealer, and the extra money for
all of the food I have devoured over the years (with the help of the munchies).
It just isn't making sense to me anymore.
:::
So that brings me here. I am on my second
day in this attempt to go smoke free. It’s pretty funny because usually I go
about my work business and don't think about it at all throughout the day. I
have always reserved smoking for the evening, but since I have told myself no
more it’s like I can’t turn it off. It has literally been ALL I HAVE THOUGHT
ABOUT for two days. It’s funny how the brain does that.... "You can't have
it any more... BUT I NEEEEEEED IT." Just like kids with toys, you only
want what you can't have at that particular moment.
I will overcome this though.
I hope to use this blog as an expression
of my frustrations, difficulties, and most importantly my TRIUMPHS during this
time. I hope that this helps keep me accountable.
TO A NEW LIFE -- LESS THE FOG.
